Being a mum is a whirlwind of emotions! Sometimes you feel like you are on top of the world, the cleanings done, dinner is on the table and most importantly the kids are happy! Other days you feel lonely, the house looks like a bombsite and the kids just haven't stopped crying since they woke up early at 5 am! It's a never ending battle and often we feel like we're losing, but then we see that smile, hear them laugh with their sibling or watch them learn a new skill, we sigh and realize 'I'm doing a great job'!
A few months back was no different for me, it was in November I wrote 'The Breastfeeding Angels of Christmas', a post about how I grateful I was to be feeding both my girls and I felt proud, I really did, like I was doing a good job. Our Breastfeeding relationship means a lot to me, I'm not ready to stop and neither are they (this is why we have chosen to wean naturally). However Christmas came and the girls got a cold and ended up with me sobbing my heart out on Christmas day!
Kairi (Shes 3) caught Naminé's (shes 1) cold on Christmas Eve (They were 11 months and 2 back then). She had a blocked up nose, she was poorly and couldn't feed! Now if she had of weaned naturally then I would have been prepared but this was a sudden shock and it was killing me! All of a sudden I saw my baby grow up, REALLY FAST! It was heart breaking to hear her tell me 'I can't milk' or 'it's not working mummy'. I spent what felt like hours Christmas and Boxing day crying my eyes out, I really wasn't ready for this!
'I don't like your milk' these words cut me, like a blade through my heart. The days of long cuddles, staring into each other's eyes are dwindling, and the space apart growing. The hardest bit was she didn't want me! I was engorged sitting in a puddle of milk and tears and all she wanted was to spend time with her daddy, she didn't even want to cuddle me because she felt sad that she couldn't have her milk and was acting like I had taken it from her.
The only way I can explain it to those who haven't planned to wean naturally is when your child calls you mummy, every day, all day, hundreds of times and then just stops, suddenly with no warning. They don't call you mummy, you try to get them to say mum, mummy, mumma but nothing, they don't come to cuddle you and they want to spend time with other people, even a bribe of a chocolate bar doesn't work!
So here, I'm saying it... I'M NOT READY FOR HER TO WEAN!!! She is my baby and I don't want to lose this bond we have suddenly. At the time I couldn't remember her last feed, the last time I looked into her eyes, the last time we shared giggles or her ear left a print on my arm.
For me, Christmas was ruined this year, between being too poorly to care about presents to feeling like we were losing our bond, we watched Christmas rush away without any smiles. I wanted to give up with parenting, make it all go away because my baby just didn't want me at all... but guess what? On the train home, Kairi said, 'mummy, I want your milk' and I couldn't of moved faster if I had tried! She fed, teeth biting me, hands grabbing everything, all my pet hates! Yet I still let her and continued through the pain because it was worth this too feel her feed, to feel close and keep our bond. We got through it! With a lot of hard work (and a lot of nasal spray) Kairi started feeding again, for the first few days it was only at nighttime but by day 3 she was asking more and more. (I never offer never refuse, so its always her choice!).
So it's May now and Kairi's has just turned 3, shes still feeding when she likes and that won't change until she is ready. Breastfeeding is our journey, our relationship and our bond, it doesn't matter what family, friends or strangers think, if you offer her something else to try to distract her, tell her its wrong or try to make me feel bad, because I'm still going to continue to feed her for along long as she wants to be fed. So if you hate it, go educate yourself on natural term weaning!
So to all the mothers who have breastfed, whether it be for one feed, one day, 3 weeks or 3 years... It's hard, being a parent is hard... but don't give up what you love, you'll get there in the end!
To My babies... I love you both with all my heart and sole remember, mummy needs you as much as you needed her! x
P.s. Who ever brought this cold to us, can get lost forever... You ruined my Christmas!
Thank you to the Breastfeeding Helpline for getting me through the hardest Christmas ever!